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First off, I'm getting married this August 3rd to the man of my dreams.  And I have never felt such terrible stress.  I cry daily and wake up with constant anxiety about what needs to get done.  My senior thesis is a joke, graduation is among us, and I'm on the look-out for a new job that is somehow relevant to what I want to do for the rest of my life. In other words, I am a shadow of what I was before this whole let's-get-married! thing.   I'm counting down the days when this is all over. 

I miss being a child. The only thing that has revived that old spark in me was the new episode of The Legend of Korra. SWEET BABY JESUS.  I cried. I FUCKING CRIED TEARS OF JOY. ZOMG.  Granted, my fiance looked at me like I was insane BUT I MISSED IT.  Avatar:TLA was over my senior year of High School so Korra brought back so many memories and feelings. 

I miss you guys. I miss this community. I miss the conversations and lulz that arose from everyone.  Life seems so complicated now and I have kept in touch with some folks on Facebook but it isn't the same.  It looks like a lot has changed.  I know it's been a few years but I still love you all.

I'm back.

where am i?: Home
i feel: stressedstressed
27 July 2010 @ 07:53 pm
I know I haven't been involved in the Avatar:TLA fandom in a while but...

Who the hell is Korra? Tenzin?

I am so lost.

i feel: confusedconfused
09 July 2010 @ 07:15 am
I am not a person that pressures anyone to do anything for me. I have no expectations. But is it so wrong that maybe this time I do expect a little more? I expect a symbol of commitment and love after two years, yet when I express this he becomes offended and angry.

You know what? Fuck you.

See if I ever get him what he wants again.

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i feel: pissed offpissed off
30 June 2010 @ 11:26 pm
I contemplate breaking up with him, more often than I think I should, but I do. It happens during the most obvious of times: during disagreements and power struggles. But sometimes there's a fleeting thought when we're the most calm and comfortable and I stop and actually consider it. I don't know if this means I'm not happy or in love anymore, but all I do know is that imagining a life without him in it would make me more than incredibly sad.

It seems that these feelings stem from insecurities spawned by him pointing out personality flaws of mine. Things that I often do and no matter how many times I try to change I simply can't. I don't understand sometimes why he continues to date me if I'm so imperfect. He can't seem to stand my dancing, my taste in music, what I like to talk about, or my playfulness. I say something and I'm wrong. I have an opinion and I'm wrong. He sighs in frustration and rebukes me with a tone of annoyance while I sit quietly, my self-esteem slowly decreasing.

Don't get me wrong. He can be the sweetest man in the world. He tells me how beautiful, patient, loving, and sweet I am to him. There's not a day he doesn't make me feel appreciated. However, it seems to be that oftentimes the negative stings more than the positive and at the end of each day I lay in bed wondering what I have done wrong again.

I have been honest about these feeling with him, telling him that I feel unloved sometimes and inadequate to meet his needs; but he reassures me that I have done nothing wrong and that though we have our differences the good outweighs the bad.

I want to believe with every fiber of my being that this is the man of my dreams; the Adam to my Eve; Mr. Right. And when we're together smiling and laughing I know in my heart that I could not live without him. He completes me. I pray to the LORD above to bless us -- to love us -- and I thank Him for giving me such a beautiful and amazing love. But...but when I'm by myself in bed thinking about it all I think about us breaking up. I think about how this isn't working. I think that we're fooling ourselves and that what we're feeling isn't love but infatuation. This love-- this dream seems too good to be true.

I realize that all couples have their fights and their disagreements. All couples aren't perfect. Not even the couples that have lasted 60+ years can boast about having an excellent love life. I just want reassurance that we aren't failing and that we are not falling apart. I want reassurance that we are still madly in love and that there's not a single force on this Earth that can separate us because we need each other. I need him. I don't want to think about breaking up or about being left alone with nothing but a broken heart. I don't want to wonder anymore if I have done something wrong to upset him.

I don't want this fear anymore.
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i feel: contemplativecontemplative
27 June 2010 @ 05:33 pm
There's nothing like having a day off with nothing to do.

I'm bored :(
i feel: bitchybitchy
24 June 2010 @ 09:46 pm
I feel like the romance between Jim and I has lessened. This doesn't mean that the love between us has gone or fizzled away, but the hot passion we once felt for one another is slowly fading. I know it's because it's been a year and a half and we've reached a point in our relationship where we are completely comfortable with each other. Don't get me wrong, that has its perks, but I feel like he doesn't even try to be classy and modest around me at all anymore. I realize I'm the best friend -- The Girlfriend -- but I'm not yet The Wife so treat me like you could still lose me, yeah?

Thing is, I've tried to tell him. I've been subtle like suggesting that the flowers should come a little more often than just when I leave the country or birthdays. I've even thrown little fits when he doesn't announce on Facebook how much he loves me like he used to-- hell, I thrown little fits when my interweb "I love you"s are ignored. (I know, it's just Facebook BUT COME ON, the Internet is like a stage and putting on your status how much you love someone is like yelling it out on Times Square). Maybe I'm an attention whore, but hey, girlfriends have rights to lots of attention ;P

I remember him telling strangers how beautiful he thought I was. COMPLETE STRANGERS. Now he doesn't even tell me that often anymore when we're alone. He spoiled me in the beginning and now I'm feeling bummed that all that attention he showered me with the first six months of our dating is a light trickle here and there nowadays. Even sex has become somewhat of a bore... Yes, we're still trying to do the purity thing but when we do slip and have sex, well, it's like: "That was it? What happened to foreplay? No snuggling afterward? You're really done?"


I feel like if I told him he'd laugh it off and say that everything is okay and this is normal. Well, I don't care if this is normal or not ... I want my passion back!
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i feel: calmcalm
20 February 2010 @ 09:33 pm
I want to graduate already! Balancing between work and school is getting very frustrating. I do believe I have approximately three years left of this madness and I'll finally earn my B.A. and then start to work on getting my Credentials.

I'm super exhausted after such a long week. Feels nice staying home and being lazy after work instead of going out with Jim. Thank you, poker night! Ha ha :)
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i feel: exhaustedexhausted
20 April 2009 @ 05:41 pm
Things are pretty sweet right now. ♥

"Love" life is good. The guy is sweet, smart, and religious (in a good way!) and I really really like him. Friends are beginning to ask if I'm in love and No, I'm not. I'm kinda tired of repeating myself honestly. I'm being pessimistic about the whole thing still. We've been dating for three months and we're still getting to know each other better so anything can happen right now. I had mild paranoia about falling for him too soon a while back but I'm totally okay right now. Whatever happens happens, I suppose. I won't start blindly loving him but I'll start to go with the flow of things.

I feel though that sometimes he's headed in a completely and utterly serious direction with us. And while I agree that dating/relationships lead to marriage I'm only 19 and I feel he forgets that sometimes. I'm not opposed to the thought of marriage, but... I don't know. Maybe it's his age? All I know is that past boyfriends of mine never discussed a "future" as seriously as he does. Not that it's bad, just different. I do want to get married and have kids, and if he's The One that's awesome because so far I have no major complaints. But... I am just 19, you know?

BLARRRGH! What am I saying? He's great. :)

I'm very happy and grateful and lucky to have found him.

God has listened to me. Thank you, Lord.

i feel: happyhappy
04 February 2009 @ 05:19 pm

I turn 19 today!

No one cares, but I do. So yay me! :) I'm at school for another 3 hours. Life is a bitch.
i feel: enthralledenthralled
20 January 2009 @ 06:21 pm
New puppy!

Named her Olivia. She is a cutie pie. I love her already :) My mom named her automatically.

Re: Blind date. It went really well! We're getting along great. I've been seeing him everyday and I don't like him like him but I'm going to see where it goes. I mean, I could end up liking him a lot.... but who knows. Either way, he'll make a good friend. And everyone needs good friend, right? I'm about to go see him tonight. Maybe go get some ice cream or something. But yeah. Anyways I'm off to get changed. Woo!
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i feel: chipperchipper/nervous